Funny quotes
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
Albert Einstein
People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
There’s nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you’re insightful about it.
Dennis Miller
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Don Marquis
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan
Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields
Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.
Alfred Hitchcock
That’s my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
Joe Rogan
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I’d been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
Al Gore
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
Dave Barry
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger
There’s a great power in words, if you don’t hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings
There’s no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.
Robert Byrne
We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.
Alanis Morissette
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
George Carlin
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
W. Clement Stone
When I go to a bar, I don’t go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
David Brenner
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
George Burns
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
You’re only as good as your last haircut.
Fran Lebowitz